[cma-l] CMA Charter - version 10

[Two Lochs Radio]

Seems to be getting into shape now, and pre-empts soem comments I had been about to send, but coudl I still make a few comments for what they're worth. The first two may be seen as pcky points of grammar, but we may as well get it right!

The new sentence at the end of the first paragraph is pretty tortuous (and likely to marginalize people with less than perfect English!). How about putting it into natural order? It's actually quite a tangle unless separated into 'Janet and John' sentences, but how about:

"The production practice and content of community digital media foster greater understanding among communities, including those most marginalized, which supports peace, tolerance, democracy and development."

Probably could be improved further, but I think the current draft is definitely too tangled. I also thing the preceding sentence ("Community media promotes...") is a much stronger sentence and might be best place last int he paragraph for a more lasting effect.

Opening clause for remaining paras:
Is "should seek to..." not too vague (or even inapplicable to some paras, especialy # 7. I woudl suggest replacing "seek to" by "should". Maybe this is seen as too strong, but "seek to" is certainly very weak.

Para 2: 
I think would be more inclusive if it added the words "and culture" to the end, or even used just the word "culture" instead of "traditions".

Para 3: 
Pleased to see the word 'registered' ditched - I was going to suggest that, and I wondered if it would be better worded "are an integral part of" instead of "registered/recognized"? Or maybe "integrated and meaningfully reflected in..."
Of course, it might have no effect anyway - it leaves the door wide open for officialdom to say they are fully recognizing it's value while not actually doing anything concrete. (Call me a cynic.)

Para 4: 
"processes of" could be deleted to sharpen the wording.

Para 5: 
delete "in determining their output" - it's redundant and vague - is it intended to mean that the independence should extend beyond editorial policy and content - if so in what other ways?  (Picky grammar point, "range" or "various" would less ambiguous than "variety".)

I was in two minds about whether the "(local and national)" is redundant. Technically it is, but if it just says "government" many people might not take it to include local authorities and assemblies. But far more importantly, there appears to be no term covering agencies, by which many government/state activities and policies are handled nowadays. Perhaps it neds to be something like "independent of government, statutory bodies and agencies, commercial...". Maybe we're on a hiding to nothing trying to list all the relevant bodies.

Should be a comma after "sources"
"Subject to serious misrepresentation" is a very subjective phrase.  Maybe should "have a process for proper handling of complaints of misrepresentation."

NB where does this clause leave CR stations whose licences are held by religious bodies? Are they still required to be editorially independent of any churches (maybe they are, I'm just asking)?

Para 7:
What's with the phrase "or individually contribute to". As worded it appears to leave the way open for me to run a fully commercial venture as long as I make some donations to a not-for-profit cause. Also running on from the head clause it is only saying that I shoudl "... seek to ... contribute to primarily not-for-profit organizations." That is far to woolly. If the charter means that community media practicitioners must operate for public benefit and not for private profit, it should say so. If it doesn't mean that, what exactly does it mean?

Para 8
surplus full stop and word "to" at the end of the first line. Delete the word "their" in second line - they aren't "their" before they have joined! Maybe replace it with "appropriate".

Para 9
At the end of the first line it should be "that" not "which" (they do not mean the same thing - picky grammar point again, but may as well get it right). The second "which" should be deleted.

Para 10
Again "which" is wrong, should be "that". Could also delete "local, regional, national and international" without altering the meaning (unless it was intentionally excluding galactic and intergalactic!). 

Or maybe say "Promote and foster better communication and partnership working in the sector, thereby building networks at all levels to further develop good practice and strengthen communities."

Just my tuppence worth.

Cheers

Alex
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://mailman.commedia.org.uk/pipermail/cma-l/attachments/20110523/f3a6a6a2/attachment.html>